Mal Gordon – How to Sell on the Web

For a city the size of Perth (1.6 million) this is astonishing.

Seeing as Facebook user growth tends to slow after it hits the 50% penetration mark could this be the high water mark in terms of number of Perth Facebook Users?

Step 1

Get a swank office in a trendy area, forget that sensibly priced one down the road in Ordinarysville. Money is no object when the clients footing the bill.

Step 2

Fill said office with funky designer furniture – “this is a creative space people” wow factor is a must.

Step 3

Hire a model as your receptionist, bonus points for a slightly edgy or alternative number with tasteful piercings/tatts.

Step 4

Fill your office with an army of attractive staff. Lots of shiny hair and teeth to bedazzle your prey clients with before going in for the kill.

Step 5

Designate a ‘creative space’ and fill it with some kitsch art (Warhol anyone?) and stick a pool/ping pong table/jukebox in it for added ‘wow’ factor

Step 6

Imbibe your prey clients with copious quantities of alcohol which is always at hand because this is advertising and you’re all alcoholics anyway…or have the attractive receptionist make good coffee instead (don’t forget the biscuit)

Step 7

Get some uber-hip logo designed and make sure to use the best gloss paper stock (clients paying for it anyway so the more expensive and glossier, the better)

Step 8

Drop as many buzz words as possible during a pitch such as “viral, brand journey, engagement factor” and other meaningless terms that you don’t fully understand in order to demonstrate your superiority over your prey client. He who spits the most incoherent techno-babble in the shortest possible time has the greatest chance of bamboozling them into submission.

Step 9

Give your prey clients tickets to events to help them feel all special and loved and let them know that you’re thinking of them all the time.

Step 10

Ingratiate yourself with the media and makes lots of appearances. Give your opinion on topics you know nothing about and aren’t qualified to speak on as often as possible.

and I could go on and on….you get the picture. The beauty of digital is that we can now quantify how ineffectual the ‘amazing concepts’ from these idea factories/media buying agents actually are.

Makes the smoke and mirrors and rapport building so much more crucial with the unsuspecting.